When I first moved to the United States for school, a professor pulled me aside after a presentation. I had said sorry too many times.
“There was nothing wrong with your presentation,” he said. “Stop apologizing.”
It was the first time I realized that what I thought was politeness could be read as uncertainty. Where I’m from, saying sorry is a form of modesty. It is a way of signaling respect, of acknowledging that you don’t assume authority over the room. In the U.S., it often reads as the opposite. Confidence here is rewarded loudly, even when it is misplaced. Conviction matters more than accuracy.
At first, I thought it was just me. But once I became aware of it, I started hearing it everywhere. The constant apologies. Before questions. Before opinions. Before taking up space. I heard it most often from women, from immigrants, from people who had learned early that safety came from being agreeable rather than assertive.
Then, over brunch one day, a friend said something that stayed with me.
“I don’t think you lack confidence,” they said. “I think your confidence just hasn’t caught up with your achievements yet.”
That sentence explained more than any feedback ever had.
We talk a lot about impostor syndrome, but this felt different. This wasn’t doubt. It was delay.
That space, between who you were and who you already are, deserves a name. I think of it as post-survival adjustment, or PSA. It is the period after you have made it out, but before your body believes you are safe.
In so many parts of life, there is a lag. In economics, indicators arrive long after the reality has already shifted. In medicine, treatment works quietly before the body shows improvement. In skincare, results appear days or weeks after the work has already been done.
Why would becoming yourself be any different?
Sometimes you accumulate accomplishments faster than your nervous system can process them. Your life changes, but your body continues to operate as if it is negotiating an older reality. One where caution was necessary. One where shrinking kept you safe. One where certainty was never assumed.
Post-survival adjustment explains why success can feel unfamiliar even when it is earned. Why you hesitate in rooms you already belong in. Why you apologize for things you no longer need permission for. Why confidence feels like something you are still waiting to grow into, even as your life says otherwise.
If you find yourself doubting ground you have already crossed, it does not mean you are behind.
It may simply mean your confidence is still catching up.
And that, too, takes time.
-Written by Jay Hanggawan
Born and raised in Indonesia, Jay now lives in Washington, DC, and is interested in the spaces where culture, identity, and care intersect.
